I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
