She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
