mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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