i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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