Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
