her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
