I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
