there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
