dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
