I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
