My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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