Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
organizing the empties. That sober.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
