i think i have two assholes
vagina is talking i cant
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
