I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
