I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
