remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
