I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
