im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
