i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
