I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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