a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
