It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
