Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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