If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
tell me about the eggs
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
