I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
