fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
