I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
