I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
