In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
