YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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