I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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