bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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