Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
smell my finger.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
