oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
