Don't make out with my wife yet
Girls should come with a carfax report
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
