I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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