I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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