so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
