Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
