I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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