I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
