Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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