No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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