I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
