a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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