Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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