I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
