I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
