I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
