Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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