I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Come see our sink grown plant.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
